When School Feels Hard
- kateoleary3
- Jul 23
- 7 min read
Updated: Jul 27
When not going to school feels like a self-care strategy: an end-of-year wellbeing reflection.
One student’s commitment after a mental health awareness session.
At the end of one of my mental health awareness sessions, I invited the students to write down one commitment they wanted to make to support their mental health.
One student wrote:
“Not going to school.”
I laughed when I first read it. Its honest, and very teenager.
But the longer I sit with it, the less funny it feels. And the more it makes me reflect on what wider context we could be missing if we just write this off as kids being kids.
It makes me think, what might school really be like for a young person if not coming in seems like the best thing they could do for their mental health.
I don't think its about blaming teachers or judging schools for this. I know how much care, energy and emotional labour school staff carry, and they're working in systems that are already stretched to their absolute limit.
It’s just me being curious I guess. I often wonder about what might sit underneath student absence, withdrawal, challenging behaviour or those familiar words, “I don’t want to go to school.”
What does school feel like for the young people in it?
For some young people, school can give them safety, belonging, encouragement and trusted adults.
For others, it can feel overwhelming, exposing or difficult to navigate. And sometimes, the same school can feel like both.
I think this student’s answer stayed with me partly because I understand something of it myself. My own wellbeing improved significantly when I dropped out of sixth form. That doesn’t mean I think leaving education is the right answer for every young person who's having a hard time. It means that when someone is struggling to be in school, I think it can be helpful to look beyond attendance alone and listen for what else their experience might be telling us.
Young people might not always have the words to explain what is happening under the surface. Especially if they're neurodivergent. Sometimes their behaviour tells us something before they're actually able to say it out loud themselves.
And sometimes, one adult noticing can make an enormous difference.
The adults who notices us
At this point in the academic year, I don't know about you, but I'm ready for a cuppa and a chance to catch my breath for a moment. I found myself thinking about all the people who show up for young people every day, often without getting (or expecting) any recognition.
It reminds me of the lovely little dinner lady at my primary school. She was so cute. Warm and kind. Just a really soft and cuddly kind of person. We probably all have a Miss Sandie or a Mrs Smythe that we remember from our own school days.
I can still picture her standing in the playground of my primary school, she always noticed who was standing on their own or which one of us was trying hard not to cry. She just had this way of making you feel like you were going to be ok.
Young people remember the adults who notice them, who listen to them without judging them and who don’t become so focused on a swear word that they miss the distress underneath it. They remember the people who make them feel like they genuinely matter.
And that person doesn’t always have “wellbeing” or “pastoral” in their job title. They might be a favourite teacher or a teaching assistant, or they might be a receptionist, lunchtime supervisor, a member of the canteen staff, a caretaker or even a member of the back office team.
Supporting young people’s mental health isn’t only about having the perfect policy or knowing exactly what to say. Often, it is in those quick ordinary moments when somebody notices that a young person doesn’t seem quite themselves.
“What if I say the wrong thing?”
I’ve visited a lot of schools this year, and one conversation comes up again and again.
People genuinely want to support their young people. They notice when something doesn’t seem quite right. They want pupils to feel safe talking about their wellbeing, and they care deeply about responding in a helpful way.
What I’ve also heard, often said a little more quietly, is:
“What if I say the wrong thing?”
“What if they tell me something I don’t know how to handle?”
“Am I really the right person for this?”
Those questions have come from teachers, teaching assistants, office staff, lunchtime supervisors, school leaders and many of the other people who help make schools the communities they are.
To me, these questions don’t suggest a lack of care. Quite the opposite. They reflect how much people want to get these conversations right.
People care. They just want the confidence to know they're responding in the right way.
I always like to reassure school leaders that their staff don’t have to become mental health experts. But equipping them with the confidence to notice, listen without judgement, respond with care and know what to do next, it really can make those moments feel so much less frightening for everyone involved.
What does a whole-school approach look like?
A few months ago, I visited a school where something felt different.
There wasn’t one impressive initiative or complicated wellbeing programme. Instead, it was visible in the many small things people did consistently.
The receptionist greeted pupils by name. A teacher quietly checked in with a young person after a difficult lesson. Staff said they understood what to look out for and who to involve if someone needed more support.
If a pupil chose to speak to them, they listened. And no one felt like they had to carry a young person’s difficulties alone.
It reminded me of Mrs Smythe.
Wellbeing felt like something shared across the school community, rather than something resting on the shoulders of a small number of pastoral staff.
That’s what a whole-school approach to wellbeing can look like. Not perfection, but people noticing, listening and caring together.
At Wellbeing First Aid, we often come back to those three simple words. Just like with physical first aid, no one should be expected to become a mental health expert. Its just about noticing when something doesn't seem quite right, listening without judgement, responding with care and knowing what to do next.
Notice. Listen. Care.
An end-of-year moment to pause
The end of the academic year creates a natural moment for us to stop and look back on the year that's gone. Before our priorities and timetables start filling up again, we tend to reflect. And I'd like to support you to reflect on what has helped young people feel seen at your school this year, think about what your staff have been carrying, and where there could still be room to grow when it comes to wellbeing.
Is your school a place where your young people and your staff feel understood, listened to and supported?
Only you can really answer that.
Every school is different. Every community has its own strengths, pressures and priorities.
Does wellbeing feel like a shared responsibility at your school, or does it rest on the shoulders of a few individuals?
There isn’t one perfect model for supporting wellbeing, and no school will have everything neatly figured out.
But it can be helpful to pause and consider:
Do staff feel confident having wellbeing conversations?
Do people know how to respond if a pupil shares something difficult?
Do staff know who to involve next, without feeling they have to carry the concern alone?
Is wellbeing woven into everyday school life, or mostly discussed when difficulties arise?
Are pupils’ experiences and feedback helping to shape the support available?
These questions aren’t about trying to catch anyone out. Taking a moment to pause and reflect can help you to recognise what is already working well and to notice where a little bit more confidence or consistency could make all the difference.
A five-minute wellbeing check-in for your school
Reflection doesn’t have to mean a big long audit. Sometimes, it can just be a few thoughtful questions that could help to start some honest conversations.
I’ve created a free Whole School Wellbeing Check-in for school leaders and staff teams.
It’s a short, five-minute reflection covering three areas:
support for pupils
confidence and support for staff
how wellbeing is understood and embedded across the whole school
There is no score and no judgement. You're not expected to have everything in place, and the check-in isn’t there to tell you what your school “should” be doing. But it might give you a chance to recognise what is already working well, notice what may be developing and consider what could become your next focus.
You can complete it on your own, use it to start a conversation with colleagues or bring it into a leadership meeting.
Feel free to take what feels useful and leave anything that doesn’t fit your school at the moment. The aim is to celebrate what is already happening and help you notice what you may want to build on next.
Download the Whole School Wellbeing Check-In
Download our Whole School Wellbeing Check In Tool, a short conversation starter to help you recognise what’s already working and consider what your school might like to build on next.
Choose the version that works best for you. Complete it on screen using the interactive PDF, or download the printable version to use with pen and paper.
Interactive PDF
Download the PDF and open it in Adobe Acrobat Reader. Click one face in each row to record your responses, then save your completed copy.
Printable PDF
Download the printable version to complete individually or use as a conversation starter with colleagues.
Support for your school's next steps
Every school’s starting point will be different.
I deliver powerful interactive mental health awareness sessions for secondary school pupils using my lived experiences in a story-telling style, alongside practical training and support for the adults around them. My sessions help young people understand their own mental health, recognise when they might need support and feel more confident talking about what they are experiencing.
If completing the check-in starts a conversation about what your pupils or staff might find helpful next, you’re very welcome to get in touch.
When mental wellbeing is part of everyday school life, it becomes easier for everyone to feel seen, heard, and able to thrive 💚
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